Lately

Lately I've been struggling with the future. I've got so many questions roaming around in my head and no one to really answer them. The two children I play with hardly have any answers for me. Their parents, my employers, don't bother to ask me anything of worth. Most likely they're wondering why I'm in a job like this at my age. The average au pair is 19 or 20 years old. Older au pairs may be 21 or 22. I'm 25.

I've got a lot of options for autumn, but I'm just not sure which path to pursue. I love living abroad. That's a fact. But I also miss my family and the secure community of close friends with a shared history. One of the necessities of living the way I do is the ability to meet new people and accept one another as friend even if you never would be if you lived in your hometown. I am so grateful for all the amazing people I've met over the years, even if we only had a few moments together. Yet at the same time, I finally feel my old relationships are suffering badly with three years of constant separation between us. I miss the silent understandings, the genuine caring, the laughs of past memories.

As you can see, I am at odds with myself. To go on living abroad pursuing new paths and options as they present themselves or to move back home to feel comfort in the familiarity and acceptance of those around me. Even those options are too simple. If I moved back home, there is no guarantee I'll even be near to family and friends. I could move to another state or city in hopes of a good job. And this presents a new problem. I feel utterly unsure of what career path to choose and I feel I have no workplace experience. Of course, I do, but I always think of myself as a little girl in a grown man's world. I've lived abroad and worked in environments that were exceptional and welcoming to the "foreigner". I've been fortunate to have good workplace experiences  but with that I don't know if I have "professional" workplace skills.

Sometimes I even catch myself wondering if these desires to "have a career" are even mine or what I think society expects of me: "You're twenty-five Hannah, you should stop all this moving around and settle down somewhere. You should be saving for the future. You can't always live by your whims and desires. Your parents won't always be here to help you out in your times of need. You've got to be responsible. Besides, how will you ever meet someone if you're forever moving from one place to another just to "experience" it for a while, to feel the pulse of the culture? You have to live with some stability and longevity. Everything can't always be so temporary."

This is what I've been feeling lately. I just spilled my guts out to you and actually recognized my own insecurities as they write themselves out in finality.

Does anyone else out there battle with similar issues? How do you cope?

Pictures: reading material in bed / wanderings through the city / winter beach day with the kiddos / quiet evenings in my flat / cooking genuine Italian meals / mornings spent at museums 

My Roman Life::a set of goals::

1. Really MASTER my Italian! Do this by going to class three times a week, Aperitif Italian language exchange twice a month, tours of Roman sites in Italian once a month, church in Italian every week, Italian TV at home, and finish my many Italian grammar books by actually STUDYING.

2. Save 75% of my au pair earnings. This is actually quite easy to do since I literally have no monthly bills or expenses other than my metro pass, phone credit, minor class fees, and groceries for breakfast. I'm not sure what life will look like come September, so it would be nice to have a cash cushion to sit on for a bit.

3. Go to one museum or historic site a week. Record my musings and observations of the museum as a whole in a notebook. This will keep me feeling like I'm traveling within my "home" for the next six months, along with brainstorming ideas and thoughts for that degree I want to get....

4. READ, BLOG, PHOTOGRAPH. These seem quite fun to do, I know. But for some reason I tend to get caught up in other things (i.e. watch a movie or listen to a podcast when I'm feeling lazy) that they never come up as first options when I'm in the moment. Which brings me to my last goal....

5. BE IN THE MOMENT. Don't fret about the future or what others are doing with their lives. Enjoy the here and now. I know it's cliche, but why is it so hard to accomplish!?

Museum Mornings

As part of my habitual goals for living in Rome the next six months I have been going to a museum or cultural heritage spot once a week. This past Saturday I met up with a friend for pasta in the piazza and a stroll though the Keats & Shelley Museum in Piazza di Spagna. 

It was a glorious and somewhat emotional hour reading about the lives of the poets (Byron & the Brownings included), their letters and drafts, looking at sketches and portraits, browsing the many antique books in the still active library, peering out the windows and wondering how the scene has changed in the past 200 years, glancing at objects once theirs, and remembering with others who wrote of the inspiration and influence of these great poets. 

I felt like I an English major once again. I got teary eyed reading about their tragic lives and deaths. Living in Italy never to leave, dying here only to become a monument of English influence in Italy. Oscar Wilde wrote about how he felt Keats' grave was the most holiest of sites in all of Rome. (He's buried in the Protestant graveyard in Rome, along with Shelley)

Okay, I know, too much detail.....

But don't you just love this new goal....I mean, habit!? So much inspiration flowing from these weekly visits, not to mention the excuse to practice photography and act like a tourist in a place where I live! It's a win-win. 

What inspirational habits do you have?

Counting my Losses

This past week tried my patience with Rome and Italy in general. It seemed that every time I walked out of my flat and into the public arena I was harassed for something or something in the city or transport system failed or I realized that this place's advancements are nothing short of a miracle, because, quite frankly, no one here knows how to do anything logically! It's all chaos and everybody is okay with that! Except me, maybe. 

Well, to get to the story....in short, my I-pod was stolen out of my purse on the bus on Friday. This was the climax of my collection of mishaps for the week. I was on the bus heading towards Villa Giulia (the Etruscan museum) for a nice morning stroll among its collections before I had to work that afternoon. I want to see a museum a week while I'm living in Rome and this was the start of that habit. 

The bus is crowded. People push and shove, we bounce to and fro with the undulating bus, bags pinch my sides and block my legs, people cough sneeze laugh and talk loudly on their cell phones. Basically, it's an uncomfortable 20 minutes. I look down at my purse, which is big and heavy at the moment. My hands are full with directions to the museum and my to-go coffee cup (obviously I'm not very Italian yet). I grasp the pole so I'm not thrown into the man to my left or the woman to my right. 

I see my I-pod in its little case in my purse pocket. I notice that it's quite visible, but don't think anything of it at the time. I usually have it plugged into my ears, which, if I had at the time probably would have saved it, since who would be mad enough to steal an I-pod as it's playing into someone's ears? Five minutes later I'm getting off the bus and walking to the tram. I grab my I-pod to check the time and as I hold the case I realize it's empty! At first I wonder, can this be real? I just saw it! Why didn't they just take the case too? Then I get ridiculously furious and start (inwardly) cursing this whole country and people and humanity in general. Why why why? 

Since then I've regained my faith in humanity and counted my blessings (minus an I-pod). I realize in hindsight that I should have closed up my purse and been more aware of my surroundings. Though everyone around me seemed decent, hard-working people, some even elderly. I've never liked pointing fingers, but someone on that bus took it. But that's their problem, they will eventually reap what they sow. I do now and again get a giggle in when I remember that it's locked and all in English, so the thief will hopefully have a hard time with it. Maybe. 

My losses over the years: a silver heart necklace that my uncle gave me / a bike at college / my car radio system / my laptop out of my flat in Prague / cash out of a locked locker / an I-pod off of a bus in Rome

Here's to a better week! Happy Monday!

A Typical Day as an English Speaking au pair...

....in Rome with wealthy Italians who have multiple maids/servants/housekeepers (whatever's the norm these days) Oh, wait! This isn't a "normal" way of living.

Then there's me. The English speaking girl who's supposed to do something. I can't seem to remember what it is. Certainly not teach. These kids clearly aren't bothered to learn from me. My role: juggling full-on-entertaining along with being a constant punching bag and a puppy who "must" follow where said kids lead.

I wake up in my own peaceful little apartment that the family has graciously provided for me. I make myself some breakfast and lounge around in my pjs for a bit (especially when the Roman winter rains come and hover over the city for the full day)

Breakfast in bed has become a daily habit for me, excessive, I know. But I am LOVING having free mornings to do whatever I want. Next week, however, I'll be trucking my butt out of bed to get to Italian classes 3 times a week. 

Some photo shoots during my lazy mornings. This is me trying to get my creative juices flowing before I sit for hours on end to play Barbies or sword fight. 

Before I work at 1pm I try to get out and see at least some part of the city (or have a coffee and attempt to find wi-fi). Seriously, this country is lacking in technology and advancement...but it's okay. I'm slowing adjusting my expectations.

I've been missing having a "professional" job, though at this point I'm not sure I ever had one. I'm not exactly sure how to dress the part of "au pair" as the teacher still in me wants to dress like I'm going somewhere other than a living room for eight hours. 

And....the next 6-8 hours of my afternoon are spent playing with these kiddos. They really can be angels, but usually at least one of them is a little menace or a crying basket-case. But, in those rare, quiet moments when they decide that they do actually like me, we play together, paint eggs, color, read, play with Barbies and trains and plastic weapons. (Italy still trains children with very stereotypical gender specific toys) Ha!

The living room is off-limits because, as you can see, the parents clearly didn't make their home or their lives "child-proof" upon making the decision to have children. The flat is lovely, yet almost too perfect that it's unenjoyable.  

The little boy, Enrico, who loves yelling at me, "Sei cattiva! Sei brutta!" (which translates, you're mean! You're ugly!) Of which I hope I am neither. But below was a good moment. He's starting to warm up to me after almost four weeks of constant play and petition. 

Some interesting portrayals of the female figure. Not exactly sure these are appropriate for kid's eyes, but their parents don't seem to mind that they're constantly surrounded by nudity. Must be a cultural thing. However, all their art in the home shows the female in a weak, servitude, almost death-like state. I wonder what they're trying to say?

Dinner time with the family (well, with the kids and their maid usually). Fridays are seafood days with the grandparents. This country really is traditional and Catholic (at least culturally). 

After leaving the house around 7:30pm I sometimes go out with other au pairs and English teachers to be surrounded by support, laughter, in-depth English conversations with people my height, and just all around fun and tantrum-free.  

My long and lonely bus ride home late at night. (Rome's transport system is lacking compared to the rest of Europe)

I hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my typical Monday-Friday! Just to note, I really am enjoying my time here, only sometimes I feel the stress of cultural differences or child-rearing differences. Please don't think that I'm ungrateful for this experience. I am loving it! The good with the bad! And learning a ton...

My 2nd Roman Saturday

There are a lot of pictures, I know.

But this was my Saturday (my only full day off at the moment) and I enjoyed it immensely.

Italian class in the morning,

wandering the tiny streets,

enjoying a cappuccino and panino with a new friend,

browsing a locally-made arts & crafts market,

resting our feet over a Spritz (a before-dinner drink)

and reconnecting with other au pairs for a dinner out (eight of us!)

I can't wait for this Saturday to come around!